I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
