I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My bed smells like the plague
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
