be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just gift wrapped bread.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
