Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
