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Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
