i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
