It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
