SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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