I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
