Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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