I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
