there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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