you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
