there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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