I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
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Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
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I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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