You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
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