i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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