Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
