life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
