After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
