So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
