You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
