I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize