right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My vagina is very pro this idea
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
