The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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