the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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