I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
