i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
