Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
