I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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