i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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