no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
