im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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