I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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