My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
