Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
