I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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