Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
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Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
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just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
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