guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
