i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
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I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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