Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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