I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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