His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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