I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
