seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
