Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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