Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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