I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
