Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
