A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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