i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
