Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i now understand why vodka
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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