My nipple is on Facebook.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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