btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
