Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
this just has baby written all over it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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