Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
