What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
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How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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