You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
