He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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