i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Randomize
