like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
