I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
lol hangovers are for mortals.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
