How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
