If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
