I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
