It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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